Being a Man

By Jay Solman MSW, RSW

What does it mean to be a man? Is it about physical strength? Does it involve suppressing emotions? Or is it about being fearless, successful, independent, driven, or dominant? What about being gentle, kind, caring, empathetic, and supportive? Would it surprise you to learn that masculinity has no single definition? The standards of manliness aren't like the laws of physics; they are social constructs. These constructs aren't fixed and vary across different cultures.

Masculinity is not a universal concept; yet in our society, many men and boys are encouraged to think it is. As a result, many men suppress their emotions and adhere to a standard that restricts their life experiences. I've worked with numerous clients who have adopted these rigid standards. However, I often found that beneath the surface, many men were deeply wounded. The very traits they believed would serve them—traits like strength, independence, or control—often led instead to unhappiness, infidelity, addiction, divorce, isolation, confusion, and emotional turmoil. Researchers have also found that men who embrace a more rigid view of masculinity or who fear that they are not “masculine enough” are more likely to binge drink, bully, and engage in risky sexual behaviours. They are also more likely to exhibit signs of depression.

Being a man isn't about physical strength or wealth. Some masculine traits can be beneficial, there's nothing wrong with being driven or seeking success and independence. Strength and aggression can be positive in certain contexts, but they don't preclude being gentle, empathetic, and caring. Masculinity should be understood as a spectrum where we embrace a more flexible and open understanding of what it is to be a man. Unlocking a deeper connection to the full range of emotions we were all born with can open the door to a richer, more meaningful experience of being human.

Here are a few ideas that I believe all men can and should explore:

1.     Being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness but strength. One of the most toxic and damaging aspects of rigid views on masculinity is the suppression of vulnerability. Vulnerability demands courage, bravery, and honesty—qualities that are often dismissed or feared. An inability to confront and express our fears lies at the heart of many struggles men face. Why can't we be both vulnerable and kind, while also strong and capable? Just as there is no single language that defines humanity, there is no one-size-fits-all definition of what it means to be a man. Being a man is not a fixed destination, but a journey—one shaped by growth, complexity, and the freedom to be fully human.

2.     Honesty. One way to break out of the box is to recognize that that all of us have a range of emotions and if we are to better understand them, we need to do so from a place of honesty and acceptance.

3.     Self-Acceptance. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages us to make space for difficult thoughts and emotions, rather than suppressing them. We don’t have to bottle up our feelings; instead, we can learn to observe them without allowing them to define us or resisting their presence. This practice helps us live more fully, without being controlled by our internal struggles.

4.     Boundaries. Dominance is often a word that is often used when trying to define masculinity. When we learn to respect others, we can find new ways to contribute to healthier relationships, communities and connections.

Learning to be a man involves embracing our full selves, rather than denying or wishing away parts of who we are, hoping they'll disappear on their own. If we accept masculinity as a journey—one that encompasses both bold, beautiful moments and challenging, messy ones—we can discover the true essence of bravery. This deeper understanding empowers us to improve not only our own lives, but also the lives of those around us.